Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
