It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
