Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize