how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
