After last night, I could never be a politician.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize