atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
