I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
