I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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