My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
