I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
