Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
