What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
