i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It's rum buckets o'clock
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
