So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
