At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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