are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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