i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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