I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
