My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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