Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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