Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
