I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
