a queef is a wish your heart makes.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
