Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
