Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
