i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
