When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize