it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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