when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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