this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
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