I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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