I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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