i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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