Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
