Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
