Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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