Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
