I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
