theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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