I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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