i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
