I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
