Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
