your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
