hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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