shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
