the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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