I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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