I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
