I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
