She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
