Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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