hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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