I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
