I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Randomize
