also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
