after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
