nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
