last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
