She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
