then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
