he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
