Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
well I can't set my house on fire every night
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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